and now i'm back.....from outer space....

Hiya! Is anyone still here? I wouldn't blame you if you've moved on, I mean I haven't written anything in like over a year. So, I got myself a nice man. Then, I had a pretty bad case of bronchitis. I kept looking for a job for a long long time. Then I had a terrible thing happen to my breast but it wasn't cancer thank God but it was still awful and disgusting and painful and I am still traumatized by it. So are my family and friends cause I won't stop telling them about it.
Then, I got a job,and it's good,really good! Then, my love affair went sour,went south,went sour in South Brooklyn. But my heart will go on just like the Titanic. Oh,well,like the song from the movie The Titanic.
So, I decided to come back and write again. Hello? Is there anybody out there?????

this is really hard

she- ohhhhh, i dunno. maybe i should bring my mother in.
me- that's a good idea.

she- i'm just not good at this.
me- ohhh,you're doing great!

she- do you really like it?
me- yeah, they're beautiful together.

she- oh, i just don't want to make a mistake,you know? i really really want it to be right. 
me- mmhmm.

she- i think the blue is just too much. what do you think?
me (well, i chose the three throw pillows we are looking at, and i'm pretty good at it so, no, i don't think it's too much.i think it works.)

she- what do they call that color?
me- um, seaside.

she- oh, i wasn't really going for a sea like look.
me - oh,right. (listen,it doesn't matter if it's called oil spill. it doesn't matter if it's called staph infection.the color is the color you SEE. Gahhhhd! what difference does it make what they call it? this is so hard. this is so so hard.)

she-i think i'd better bring my mother in.
me- oh,that's a good idea. (cause at 33,you're really not ready yet to pick out your own throw pillows.)

she- ughhhh,this is so hard. i mean, this is REALLY HARD FOR ME. i'm just not good at it and it's really really hard.
me- ohhhh, you're doing great. don't be so hard on yourself.

end scene

note- how the "f" do people like this not get chewed up and spit out by this city? 
if picking out and buying $600 worth of decorative pillows crushes your confidence and throws you in to a fit of hand wringing,what is going to happen when you get fired and receive and eviction notice form the landlord on the same day? pull up your diaper,it's time for big girl shopping.
it's really hard. it's really,really hard.

Eggerything is an ordeal.

I want to eat potato salad.once the thought occurs,the ordeal begins. I have to find the recipe on weight watchers. Then I have to root around in the fridge and cupboards and see how many important ingredients I don't have that I will decide I can do without. Well,the decision is not fully mine,it really comes from lack of funding. It called for relish but since I only have $3.07 in the bank until the next unemployment check directly deposits itself- (a modern miracle for which I am grateful. We used to have to wait for these,in the mail,like the mailbox,you guys. Geez,how many it times have I been unemployed? Don't think about it,don't think about it,don't think about it. Choose denial.) I am forced to use the bottom of the jar of that morphed condiment called "hamburger relish" which is nothing more and nothing less that mustard mixed with relish. Note- I just now decided that I am inventing a new condiment called "picnic relish" a disgusting combination of relish,ketchup and mustard. There is not one good reason not to do this. Anyway,I am a very busy person who shows up for life as they say. However,if laziness sneaks back inside the apartment, it gets pretty ridiculous. I resent and sigh my way through chores like looking at the bag of potatoes to see how much it weighs. Ugh,what a pain. The recipe calls for,hard boiled eggs- Jesus! What is this;prison cooking?! That's two ingredients that have to be cooked! Oh,geez. I decide that given my awful track record making hard boiled eggs-they NEVER turn out right- I am going to consult Julia Child. It'll be just like that girl who was so much like me, the one who lost her job and decided to start a blog in which she makes every Julia Child recipe and writes about and then the book gets published and Hollywood comes sniffing around,only,I am done my project already!In one afternoon! Laziness is good!I make it work in my favor! I follow Julia Childs' recipe for hard boiled eggs which involves precise timing and directions,2 minutes for this, a lid,then no lid, ice baths,10 seconds for the other thing. Ten seconds!!!I have never followed a recipe in my life that called for ten seconds of anything! Gahhhhhhhd, why is it so hard?! Ok Julia,I am putting my 5 eggs in your hands. When the time comes for the drudgery to end and for the greatest moment of a hard boiled eggs'life to arrive,I tap tap tap the first one on the glass cutting board and start peeling. The membrane (which remains lest you forget that you just killed something and boiled its life and if you continue to think about it you will be forced into veganism and out of your carnivore family.)and the shell come off in a clean swoop, beautiful success! Eggs are tres chic! But wait! I still have to boil potatoes,chop celery,onion,blah blah blah until at last-voila! Potato salad! It is 3 weight watchers points but since I had to slave harder than Sally Hemings on it,I decide that I deserve two helpings. Not very skinny thinking but whatever,I said I was lazy.

My kingdom for a guy on a horse

I happen to be a single unattached person. Which has been the case for so long now,I'm talkin years,that I really am beginning to be unsure about how much I actually want to change the situation. I've been "I" for so long now,I don't know if I wanna be "we". When I think about what kind of man I might allow to occupy my life with me its my little girl imagination that's coming up with the ideas. So this is what I come up with.... Archetypes.... In the fall and winter of this year I was dreaming of an Ironworker,strong,purposeful,a tradesman with a good pension,newly retired with a closet full of those Carhaart clothes that say " I'm a masculine man who likes it when you wear a bow." He works with his hands and eats steaks. He fixes things and tries his hand at listening to his girlfriend. He is very very easy to please and carries things for me.He doesn't like to talk about 9/11 and neither do I.But I need something a little more summer weight in a boyfriend for the warmer season. Spring is for cowboys. Wearing chaps,maybe he owns a herd of sheep,or cows that get wrangled.He is baked by the sun,has worn hands and a slow smile,doesn't say much but is heavy into native American mythology.He teaches me stuff and hails from Texas. He lies a bit but I don't mind. I braid his long hair for him and we take lazy naps.He's in to organic produce but not in a Brooklyn organic vegetable nerd way but in a the earth is good enough,we don't need to add anything to muck it up sorta way. He uses words like muck.He has a horse as fast as polished steel. He's left handed. I call him Lefty. But everyone knows him as Willie Nelson. Yup. My cowboy crush is Willie Nelson. Hey,knock it off,don't judge love. Summer? My Summer boyfriend archetype is a Native American Man. Beads,feathers,spirit world,teepee- whole 9 but more on him later,I'm not done loving Willie.

It'll have to wait...

It's a real bummer to be writing this on my fabulous new iPad,which is now,in my estimation,a whole lot less fabulous since I discovered that I cannot upload photos to anywhere with it. But I am very happy to have it and I am aware of the moment to moment need to put a few tablespoons of gratitude in my attitude or I won't have any friends left. Here's what I did today. I awoke,awakened. I said some secret prayers that I refuse to share with anyone but the great Navajo spirit of the universe that I am currently praying to.Normally I use my old standby,Catholicism but I switch off after the Easter fervor and celebration is over for something fresher and more seasonal. I made myself a blueberry and peach smoothie with full fat Greek yogurt and almost fainted from how delicious it was. I phoned a friend and told her things about me and my state of mind and its whereabouts. A friend phoned me and I met her for coffee. She wanted to go candle shopping. I thought this was preposterous but didn't say so. It was already 98 degrees and no one in their right mind should even be thinking about flames or matches or anything heat generating. I think there is something wrong with her. I went ice cube shopping. I came home and made a skirt steak and a salad. Ate it. Drank iced tea. I wrote down on a piece of paper three things to do today,day whatever of my unemployment journey- which is how they refer to it at the unemployment office. It's not really a journey,it doesn't feel like a journey and if the next time I get in a car or on an airplane I start crying cause I can't pay the rent,I will also not enjoy that journey. Looks like they ruined the word "journey" for me. Then, I took a nap cause I was tired from being awake for 7 hours. I decided when I woke up 30 minutes later with the 30 new reasons that I will never get anywhere or find a husband that I will call my naps "regret naps". Every shitty thought I have seems to wake up when I sleep and then I have to an awful lot of soothing and rocking and singing to put them back down again. Then I worried about how much it is going to cost me to have my teeth done. Then I looked at the list of the three things and beat myself up for not getting to them yet. Then I read about Katie Holmes and whatshisface. Wow,shocking tales of their divorce. I guess she got tired of not talking for 5 years. Then a friend called and I talked about myself and my plans for awhile.Then she hung up. Then I started a painting and I listened to that video of the two little girls being interviewed after one of them cuts the others hair. It was very adorable. Then the exterminator,Dominic,came by and put out some mouse traps. There was one on the stove top a few days ago. It's surprising how little it bothered me. Then I wrote this blog post,with a heavy heart because I cannot post a cleverly chosen photo with it. Goodbye.

February 2011?! Wow,I haven't really kept up with this blog. A lot has happened,like,I have procrastinated writing on this blog,which,if you are a procrastinator like I am,takes up a good chunk of time. I was fired from my last post as a retail wage slave shop girl malcontent because I hated being in the building,couldn't rise above the toxic feeling of it all and it showed a little around the edges of my otherwise breezy charm. Then I got another job. It was a big step up. Monday through Friday,9 ish to 5 ish, a chair,a desk,a phone,but,alas,it was a tacky sweater wholesaler run by an aging raging hippie with a Napoleon complex in lifts. I'll tell some excellent tales of angst later. On to now,like right now. Today I am unemployed again. As it worked out,and I can't believe I still feel embarrassed about this at all,I was let go from the tacky menopausal sweater company because I couldn't master the 50 year old counter system. It didn't have a mouse. When some technicians came out to fix it I overheard them say,"it's a dinosaur.they stopped making parts for it in the 80's". It was called the Vaxx. If we were having a bad day we would say we were feeling Vaxxy. Truth be told,I was the originator of most of the smart Alec comments. It was an open plan office. No walls and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut! That kind of a place,with those kinds of terrible conditions and smart frustrated people working there,well, how could I not be making smart ass remarks all day?! I was duty bound to a higher authority. I'm leaving now to go watch a sunset alone. Unemployed people do lots of alone things. I'm glad to be back. See you in the morning.

this coupon entitles bearer to torture one shopgirl.

"hi i need help."

"sure"

"are those for sale?"

"no."

"so i can't buy them?"

"no,they're not for sale,they're just display."

"oh,so you don't sell them?"

"no,we don't sell them."

"where did you get them?"

"i have no idea,i'm sorry."

"you might try pearl river mart." i suggest.

"hmmm,i don't know about the quality there."

"hmmm,i mimic."

"i want this bath mat. (she is holding a bathmat in  a bright white color.)

this is white,right?"

"yes,that's white."

"i also want to see the orange color."

i walk over to another display where we have them in two shades of orange. as i pick them up she asks,

"are those the orange ones?"

"yes,this is the deep coral and the pale coral."

"oh, i want hermes orange."

i"m sorry,i don't carry that color."

"i'll take the white.

i have a coupon."

she pulls out a coupon for $20 off that looks as if it was in the bottom of her pocket when she was 

homeless during the rainy season.

it is for our other brand,a different store. it clearly states on the coupon that is it only good for that brand,not our brand or the website or the catalog. it was a one day promotion that they ran.

i explain this to her and her $500 barbour coat. i'm pretty sure her $1200 prada bag is listening too.

she says" well i don't understand,i mean they gave it to me" why can't i use it? they gave it to me." 

"it's very easy to understand,i just explained it to you.( i am not supposed to talk to customers like that but it feels really, really good) it is only good for the other brand. it isn't good in this store. it clearly states it right here in print."

"well,ill take the bath mat."

"ok."

she tosses her credit card at me across the marble cash wrap desk.

(today,i just can't do it. i can't be moved today. i dig my heels in)

i don't pick it up for her which is what she wants.

"you can swipe it through the credit card reader please."

she does.

her receipt prints. i wrap her $48 dollar bath mat in tissue paper, and affix the fancy little sticker to it to close it up,place it in a bag and thank her very much. very much.

"is it traditional or contemporary?" she asks me.

(what? you want to know the historical provenance of a bath mat? seriously? lady, you are 60. if you could stop acting like a spoiled brat who is being victimized into paying full retail for a bathmat that she doesn't really want then maybe the rage that is knotting up the fist i wanna throw in your direction would ease up a bit.)

"it isn't really either. it is white on white knotted textile with a framed border.it will work just as well in a contemporary or a traditional space."

"uhhh,well,i have contemporary."

"it'll be fine". it's a white. bath. mat and by my estimation we should have stopped discussing it about 7 minutes ago.

she leaves the store.

i try to breathe my rage back down to a 2 or 3.

in 5 minutes she returns.

"i just saw my son outside. he saw the pattern on the edge of the bath mat and he doesn't like it so i have to return it. how can we make that happen?" (your son? the edge? a pattern? your son? what? jesus h. christ.)

"um,i'll get a manager"- because if i have to talk to you again i'm gonna punch you in the kidneys and tell you to get out of my store.

have a nice day and don't slip when you get out of your contemporary bathtub in your contemporary bathroom and break your contemporary neck. see you next week when you return and we go through this all over again.

Jack McJerkoff is sorry and he would like to file a complaint. With himself.

Marianne and Jennifer,

 

Please excuse and forgive me for my previous rant in the e-mail I sent you last night shortly after 8 PM my time.  This process has been extremely frustrating for me and I am sure for you also.  I just have had a very difficult time with the constantly changing numbers and the long waiting periods to receive the ordered items.  As a result, I got up early this morning and ran the numbers again.  It would appear that we were both wrong on the amount of overcharge.  The quote given me by Marianne on April 5, being 8 days prior to the order was precisely correct, but did not include sales tax.  I believe the following calculations are correct:

 

Westport Bed                $4,037.50        ($310.00 Shipping)

Flat Sheet (Sand)               130.60

2 Fitted Sheets                  296.00

Duvet Cover (Sand)             271.60

Pillowcases (Sand)               81.60

2 Shams (Sand)                 177.20

Cashmere Throw                198.00        ($15.00 Shipping)

Flat Sheet (Choc)               130.60

Duvet Cover (Choc)             271.60

Pillowcases (Choc)               81.60

2 Shams (Choc)                 177.20

                                    $5,853.50

Less 10% Discount            585.35

                                    $5,268.15

Shipping                            325.00

Subtotal                        $5,593.15

7% Sales Tax                    391.52

                                    $5,984.67

 

The charges to my credit card are as follows:

04/16                $   709.53

05/20                  4,397.70

06/04                     316.72

06/26                     355.37

07/01                     227.15

07/01                     104.42

Total Charges    $6,110.89

Actual Cost         5,984.67

OVERCHARGE $   126.22

 

I am guessing that I was undercharged on some items and overcharged for the fitted sheets and for the Westport Bed, with the net result being a total overcharge of $126.22.  This would make the credit that Jennifer issued to my VISA for $378.12 too much by $251.90.  After you have reviewed all this information and find that it is correct, please charge the $251.90 to my VISA in order for things to be made right.  I have no interest in being refunded money that does not belong to me.  Should you find that my calculations are not correct, please let me know where I went wrong.

 

As for the duvet inserts, please give me the 10% discount, which would make the total for the inserts be $396.00 ($440.00 less $44.00).  I still have a difficult time believing that it costs $53.00 to ship 5 pounds by UPS Ground, but if so the total for the duvet inserts would be $480.43 ($396.00 + $53.00 shipping + $31.43 sales tax).  I would certainly hope that you could find these somewhere in your system and ship them to me far in advance of the projected August 2 shipping date.

 

Again, please forgive me for the previous e-mail from last night.  In addition to my frustration with this process, I have been dealing with serious health problems with my Mom and Dad, which as you can imagine is quite stressful.  That however does not excuse me for my comments.  The only complaint I need to file is with myself for not reviewing all the numbers first.

 

Thank you,

 

Jack Mc

Jack McJerkoff is on line one.

Hi Blog Reader! Happy New Year! Or,as I have also heard, Happy new Years! This is a classic email from a customer who is so happy to have latched on to me as his personal shopper. He is a lawyer. Neat!

Marianne--

Other than a brief conversation with Jennifer, I do not know anything about her, therefore I am addressing this to you.  The credit for $378.12 is total BS.  What happened to the $440.00 you actually owe me (as quoted me by Elizabeth)?  Not only did I have to wait an inordinate amount of time for something as simple as sheets, but you still are trying to steal from me.  I am almost 59 years old and have never done business with people as incompetent as your group.  Also, I have already looked at the order for the duvet inserts and I have been overcharged for those.  The 10% discount is nowhere in sight and you are charging me $53.00 to ship 5 pounds of fluff, not to mention the fact that it won't even ship until August 2.

If you insist on trying to cheat me, I will deny all charges on my current credit card bill and will also file a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission.  In addition, the U.S. Attorney in Oxford for the Northern District of Mississippi is a personal friend of mine.  If necessary, I will also file mail fraud charges against your company.

I have been extremely patient, but this is the final straw.  You need to give me the proper credit and get the duvet inserts to me before the end of the week or I will be forced to resort to extreme measures.  I am tired of the BS excuses.  Your company needs to learn how to do business in the appropriate manner or suffer the consequences.  Also, Elizabeth never called me back, in spite of the fact you told me earlier this afternoon that she would.  I guess that real customer service is no longer important to your company.  If I told one of my clients I would call them back and did not, I would no longer have that client.  It would behoove you to call me as soon as you get in tomorrow to resolve this problem.

Sincerely yours,

Jack Mc

A Cup and a Half of Entitlement

Ring Ring.

" Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah,this is _____, "

"Yes,this is Ina gartens' assistant calling. I am with Ina,we are in the neighborhood of the store and she would like to come in and do a little shopping."

"Okay,great."

"Here's the thing,Ina isn't in to crowds. is it really busy?"

"Yes,it's pretty busy,Christmas shopping is in full swing."

"Riiggghhhttt. What we would like to do is have oe of your employees meet Ina at her car and sort of clear a path for her to get in to the store and then shield her as she shops."

"Uh huh. Well,it is pretty busy,I don't know if we can spare an employee to be a bodyguard but let me put you on with a manager.Please hold."

Entitlement.Pure and simple.Baking in a 350 degree oven until it is soft a mushy and spineless in the middle and has a hard burnt crispy crust that Ina thinks deserves a private shopping experience in one of the busiest stores in NYC during the busiest weeks of the year.

Um, you are a chubby middle aged chef. A cook. You are not Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber. You will not draw throngs of other chubby middle aged chef and chef fans/enthusiasts that will swarm around you,blocking your view of the spatulas. You will not.
Last week Natalie Portman was in the store,by herself,for two hours. Nobody bothered her. Nobody said a peep. (I watched her from a secret vantage point for about 30 minutes. It felt creepy and was the highlight of my boring day selling towels.) I felt it was a private blessing bestowed on me by a very jewish God cause it was the first day of Channukah and I was watching the worlds' most beautiful Jew.

So, No,Ina,we will not provide you with a private bodyguard that we will pay all of of $12 an hour to,before he goes back to his regular job of stocking the shelves of cheese graters.You are a multi millionaire. Get your own body guard. You are a rich woman. You make a really nice bread pudding. But you are rather boring and in no world in the universe are people swarming  you in giant tv chef frenzied crowds. Sorry babe.

 She never showed.

Husband Shopping

Husbands of NYC and the Greater Metropolitan area, this is what I hear over and over and over from your wives, "He doesn't want to be involved in the process of choosing anything at all for our home. He won't come to the store, he won't look at fabric samples, he won't look online. But,he wants the final say on all the decisions."

Husbands,I think you play wonderful roles in the world. I myself am hoping to have one of you for myself someday soon. However,this practice,this attitude is kinda gross. You may be the boss at the office but acting like the CEO at home is a turnoff. Why do you get to swoop in at the last minute and say "I will allow it."?? Your wife and I just spent 4 days choosing styles,fabrics,finishes and deciding on furniture requirements and placement. Now we gotta wait for the bigshot with the wallet to say he likes it,or he will allow it,or where's my leather chair and does it recline? No fair!!!!

From my experience,many men shop for leather things. They shop for soft things,things that feel like plush toys. They shop for big things.They want all chairs to accomodate a sleeping position.They respond to brown. And they ask if we sell black out curtains. We do not. (although,according to a certain person I work with,"any of these fabrics can be made in to curtains that will black out a room." This ain't true but some people cannot stand to watch customers walk out of a store without spending money first and so they will tell them lies.) And I can't say a thing.

Anyway, I just want to say Husbands, if you want to be involved in the final cut and the big payoff when the house is beautiful and everyone is saying so, then you gotta show up for practice,for scrimmages,the early morning runs and for the pep talks. Otherwise,you start to seem a little dictatorish. Look what happened to Idi Amin.

 I'm just sayin'.

Mishapen Identity

"Hi,we bought a bed here,an upholstered bed. Did you wait on us?"

"I'm not sure,I do remember you though."

"Yeah,no, the girl who helped us was skinny, really skinny, I don't think it was you.I don't remember her name."

"Uh-huh.Um,was it Paula or Liza?"

"I don't know, but I don't think it was you,honey do you think it was her, did she wait on us?" (this would be the last exit available to ask me what my name is,instead of standing 16" in front of me as you discuss me. rude!!)

"I dunno."

"Great,well,how can I help you today?"

"Well, we bought an upholstered bed and we've had it for a few months and it's getting really dusty along the top. What do you do for that?"

(are you kidding me? seriously? first you obliviously run roughshod over my body issues and now you want cleaning advice? why are some people so adept  at absentmindedly dehumanizing others? and why am i so fascinated by them?!)

"Um,you,clean it. Like,dust it or vacuum it."

"Riggggghhhhht,but isn't there anything you can do to stop it from getting dusty?"

"No."

Number One and Number Two

"Have a seat.You are aware of how busy the holidays are in retail. I just want to remind you about our corporate break policies."

He is sitting at a computer that is against the wall. I am standing behind him. He does not turn around as he talks to me. I am forced to look at the back of his head as his body language says one of two things,
 No.1) I am intimidated or, No.2) I am intimidating.

I wedge myself between the desk to his left and the side of his head.
"Um, I can't really hear you when you talk to me like that."
He still doesn't turn around but I guess the side of his head is as good as it's gonna get.
"Have a seat and shut the door."
I do.
He is holding a printed copy of an email that he has highlighted. I try not to show that I have already started laughing on the inside.

"In the future please try get everything done,that you need to get done, on your lunch break."

"OK"

"So, today,you punched back in from lunch,and THEN went to the bathroom."

(NUH UNH, he did not just say that.)

"Please try to time your bathroom breaks with your lunch breaks."

"Um, we don't have to punch out to use the rest room. We get paid for restroom breaks."

He gets a little flustered now.

"You know what I mean. (I don't) Just now you punched back in from lunch and then used the restroom."

"Yeah,um, I can't really predict my bladders' behavior."

" If I were you, and I knew I was going on my lunch break, I would visit the restroom then."

"Uh huh....."

"You're not in trouble or anything. You're not getting written up."

"Ok,thanks."

"Great,now go sell something!!"

Mother of Pearl, she's back!!!

" I didn't get a call " says a voice very close to my face.


(I didn't get an "excuse me,miss", or a "hello,can you help me" or even a throat clear.")


She is standing in front of me. I am sitting at a desk,fabric swatches in front of me,typing at a keyboard,my latest customer looking over my shoulder as I research pricing for him.


All of this is lost on her. (Note;if someone looks busy,they probably are busy)


"Excuse me,you didn't get a call?". I say,the multi tasking beginning.I apologize to the customer I am helping. The MOP curmudgeon STILL does not budge,her body language says, "It's my turn,even if it's not."

"Yes, I was in a month ago, I was put on a list to be called when the Mother of Pearl Entertaining Collection comes back into stock."

There is no list!!!

I feel sorry for the people she is entertaining. She has yet to prove capable of being entertaining to me. I wonder how bad the situation would become if I told her that I wrote her name and number on a slip of scrap paper and put it in the zippered book that is my "office" and promptly,passive aggressively forgot about it.

(Note: The Golden Ticket in retail service is this,no matter how much you have been wronged,under served,ignored,and misused as a customer,if you are kind and nice and patient,you will get whatever you want from us. The moment you sound condescending,it's on,or over.)



Yes,it's her! It's the cheese knife curmudgeon. I almost didn't recognize her without her crazy hair. This time it's blown out,and I am caught off guard!  In my experience ,crazy people usually have unmanageable,crazy hair that matches their personality.


"I don't think it's in yet",I say,hoping it isn't cause that's really what she's here for,her opportunity to get her insane self centered frustrations out on me,the woman who victimized her by NOT CALLING WHEN I SAID I WOULD!! That is almost more important than getting the friggin' tray. It's never about the Mother of Pearl. It's about letting me know how victimized you have been,you,the GREAT SHOPPER,by me,the scum idiot retail name tag.

I ask my coworkers and a manager if the stuff has come in,they tell us it has not."Sorry, it's not in yet."


"I'm on the list to be called when it arrives.Can you tell me how many people are on the list ahead of me?"

There is no LIST!!!! There is no list of other people who are waiting to get your $38.00 mass produced tray,made in the Phillipines by the thousands!!!!!!!! You are not living in reality!!!!! And who are you entertaining?? You're poor friends? Those spineless people who are afraid of you when you become even more belligerent when you're drunk and probably yell at them not to get crumbs all over the place?!?!


"You're the only one."

"Great. When will I get a call,you said you would call."
"I'll call you as soon as they arrive,even if I'm asleep,even if it's my day off, "everything I do, I do it for you.AHHHHH,yeah.There's no tray,like your tray,and no other,can have your tray..."
 God what I wouldn't give to break out in Ryan Adams song,sarcastically..!



"I think I really did get the prettiest of all the cheese knives and I am very happy with their performance. They are just working out beautifully." she mentions. (oh myyyyyyyy god. I don't care I can't care I can't I just dont pleeeeeaasse stop please stop .)



"How many are you getting,because when mine comes in I would like to compare several until I find the perfect one. " I know I remember it well and I can hardly wait to stand silently in front of you as you meticulously,annoyingly,sadly pore over mother natures' handiwork to find just which combination of 1/2" x 1/2" squares of shell please you the most.Ughhhhhhh.


"I don't know."
"How could you not know?"
God,what does it matter????!!!!!! I just don't know,meanwhile,this nice stylish,normal interesting gentleman is waiting for me to finish waiting on him because YOU interrupted us to ask your question,the most important question in the store at any given moment,right?????

 If you were my Mother of Pearl tray I would melt limburger and bleu cheese on you in a 500 degree oven until it burnt and then I would put you out on the fire escape.Forever