Monday, December 20, 2010

A Cup and a Half of Entitlement

Ring Ring.

" Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah,this is _____, "

"Yes,this is Ina gartens' assistant calling. I am with Ina,we are in the neighborhood of the store and she would like to come in and do a little shopping."


"Here's the thing,Ina isn't in to crowds. is it really busy?"

"Yes,it's pretty busy,Christmas shopping is in full swing."

"Riiggghhhttt. What we would like to do is have oe of your employees meet Ina at her car and sort of clear a path for her to get in to the store and then shield her as she shops."

"Uh huh. Well,it is pretty busy,I don't know if we can spare an employee to be a bodyguard but let me put you on with a manager.Please hold."

Entitlement.Pure and simple.Baking in a 350 degree oven until it is soft a mushy and spineless in the middle and has a hard burnt crispy crust that Ina thinks deserves a private shopping experience in one of the busiest stores in NYC during the busiest weeks of the year.

Um, you are a chubby middle aged chef. A cook. You are not Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber. You will not draw throngs of other chubby middle aged chef and chef fans/enthusiasts that will swarm around you,blocking your view of the spatulas. You will not.
Last week Natalie Portman was in the store,by herself,for two hours. Nobody bothered her. Nobody said a peep. (I watched her from a secret vantage point for about 30 minutes. It felt creepy and was the highlight of my boring day selling towels.) I felt it was a private blessing bestowed on me by a very jewish God cause it was the first day of Channukah and I was watching the worlds' most beautiful Jew.

So, No,Ina,we will not provide you with a private bodyguard that we will pay all of of $12 an hour to,before he goes back to his regular job of stocking the shelves of cheese graters.You are a multi millionaire. Get your own body guard. You are a rich woman. You make a really nice bread pudding. But you are rather boring and in no world in the universe are people swarming  you in giant tv chef frenzied crowds. Sorry babe.

 She never showed.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Husband Shopping

Husbands of NYC and the Greater Metropolitan area, this is what I hear over and over and over from your wives, "He doesn't want to be involved in the process of choosing anything at all for our home. He won't come to the store, he won't look at fabric samples, he won't look online. But,he wants the final say on all the decisions."

Husbands,I think you play wonderful roles in the world. I myself am hoping to have one of you for myself someday soon. However,this practice,this attitude is kinda gross. You may be the boss at the office but acting like the CEO at home is a turnoff. Why do you get to swoop in at the last minute and say "I will allow it."?? Your wife and I just spent 4 days choosing styles,fabrics,finishes and deciding on furniture requirements and placement. Now we gotta wait for the bigshot with the wallet to say he likes it,or he will allow it,or where's my leather chair and does it recline? No fair!!!!

From my experience,many men shop for leather things. They shop for soft things,things that feel like plush toys. They shop for big things.They want all chairs to accomodate a sleeping position.They respond to brown. And they ask if we sell black out curtains. We do not. (although,according to a certain person I work with,"any of these fabrics can be made in to curtains that will black out a room." This ain't true but some people cannot stand to watch customers walk out of a store without spending money first and so they will tell them lies.) And I can't say a thing.

Anyway, I just want to say Husbands, if you want to be involved in the final cut and the big payoff when the house is beautiful and everyone is saying so, then you gotta show up for practice,for scrimmages,the early morning runs and for the pep talks. Otherwise,you start to seem a little dictatorish. Look what happened to Idi Amin.

 I'm just sayin'.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Mishapen Identity

"Hi,we bought a bed here,an upholstered bed. Did you wait on us?"

"I'm not sure,I do remember you though."

"Yeah,no, the girl who helped us was skinny, really skinny, I don't think it was you.I don't remember her name."

"Uh-huh.Um,was it Paula or Liza?"

"I don't know, but I don't think it was you,honey do you think it was her, did she wait on us?" (this would be the last exit available to ask me what my name is,instead of standing 16" in front of me as you discuss me. rude!!)

"I dunno."

"Great,well,how can I help you today?"

"Well, we bought an upholstered bed and we've had it for a few months and it's getting really dusty along the top. What do you do for that?"

(are you kidding me? seriously? first you obliviously run roughshod over my body issues and now you want cleaning advice? why are some people so adept  at absentmindedly dehumanizing others? and why am i so fascinated by them?!)

"Um,you,clean it. Like,dust it or vacuum it."

"Riggggghhhhht,but isn't there anything you can do to stop it from getting dusty?"


Saturday, December 4, 2010

Number One and Number Two

"Have a seat.You are aware of how busy the holidays are in retail. I just want to remind you about our corporate break policies."

He is sitting at a computer that is against the wall. I am standing behind him. He does not turn around as he talks to me. I am forced to look at the back of his head as his body language says one of two things,
 No.1) I am intimidated or, No.2) I am intimidating.

I wedge myself between the desk to his left and the side of his head.
"Um, I can't really hear you when you talk to me like that."
He still doesn't turn around but I guess the side of his head is as good as it's gonna get.
"Have a seat and shut the door."
I do.
He is holding a printed copy of an email that he has highlighted. I try not to show that I have already started laughing on the inside.

"In the future please try get everything done,that you need to get done, on your lunch break."


"So, today,you punched back in from lunch,and THEN went to the bathroom."

(NUH UNH, he did not just say that.)

"Please try to time your bathroom breaks with your lunch breaks."

"Um, we don't have to punch out to use the rest room. We get paid for restroom breaks."

He gets a little flustered now.

"You know what I mean. (I don't) Just now you punched back in from lunch and then used the restroom."

"Yeah,um, I can't really predict my bladders' behavior."

" If I were you, and I knew I was going on my lunch break, I would visit the restroom then."

"Uh huh....."

"You're not in trouble or anything. You're not getting written up."


"Great,now go sell something!!"