Thursday, February 10, 2011

this coupon entitles bearer to torture one shopgirl.

"hi i need help."

"are those for sale?"
"so i can't buy them?"
"no,they're not for sale,they're just display."
"oh,so you don't sell them?"
"no,we don't sell them."
"where did you get them?"
"i have no idea,i'm sorry."
"you might try pearl river mart." i suggest.
"hmmm,i don't know about the quality there."
"hmmm,i mimic."
"i want this bath mat. (she is holding a bathmat in  a bright white color.)
this is white,right?"
"yes,that's white."
"i also want to see the orange color."

i walk over to another display where we have them in two shades of orange. as i pick them up she asks,
"are those the orange ones?"
"yes,this is the deep coral and the pale coral."
"oh, i want hermes orange."
i"m sorry,i don't carry that color."
"i'll take the white.
i have a coupon."
she pulls out a coupon for $20 off that looks as if it was in the bottom of her pocket when she was 
homeless during the rainy season.
it is for our other brand,a different store. it clearly states on the coupon that is it only good for that brand,not our brand or the website or the catalog. it was a one day promotion that they ran.
i explain this to her and her $500 barbour coat. i'm pretty sure her $1200 prada bag is listening too.
she says" well i don't understand,i mean they gave it to me" why can't i use it? they gave it to me." 

"it's very easy to understand,i just explained it to you.( i am not supposed to talk to customers like that but it feels really, really good) it is only good for the other brand. it isn't good in this store. it clearly states it right here in print."
"well,ill take the bath mat."


she tosses her credit card at me across the marble cash wrap desk.
(today,i just can't do it. i can't be moved today. i dig my heels in)
i don't pick it up for her which is what she wants.

"you can swipe it through the credit card reader please."
she does.
her receipt prints. i wrap her $48 dollar bath mat in tissue paper, and affix the fancy little sticker to it to close it up,place it in a bag and thank her very much. very much.
"is it traditional or contemporary?" she asks me.
(what? you want to know the historical provenance of a bath mat? seriously? lady, you are 60. if you could stop acting like a spoiled brat who is being victimized into paying full retail for a bathmat that she doesn't really want then maybe the rage that is knotting up the fist i wanna throw in your direction would ease up a bit.)
"it isn't really either. it is white on white knotted textile with a framed will work just as well in a contemporary or a traditional space."
"uhhh,well,i have contemporary."
"it'll be fine". it's a white. bath. mat and by my estimation we should have stopped discussing it about 7 minutes ago.
she leaves the store.
i try to breathe my rage back down to a 2 or 3.
in 5 minutes she returns.
"i just saw my son outside. he saw the pattern on the edge of the bath mat and he doesn't like it so i have to return it. how can we make that happen?" (your son? the edge? a pattern? your son? what? jesus h. christ.)

"um,i'll get a manager"- because if i have to talk to you again i'm gonna punch you in the kidneys and tell you to get out of my store.
have a nice day and don't slip when you get out of your contemporary bathtub in your contemporary bathroom and break your contemporary neck. see you next week when you return and we go through this all over again.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Jack McJerkoff is sorry and he would like to file a complaint. With himself.

Marianne and Jennifer,
Please excuse and forgive me for my previous rant in the e-mail I sent you last night shortly after 8 PM my time.  This process has been extremely frustrating for me and I am sure for you also.  I just have had a very difficult time with the constantly changing numbers and the long waiting periods to receive the ordered items.  As a result, I got up early this morning and ran the numbers again.  It would appear that we were both wrong on the amount of overcharge.  The quote given me by Marianne on April 5, being 8 days prior to the order was precisely correct, but did not include sales tax.  I believe the following calculations are correct:
Westport Bed                $4,037.50        ($310.00 Shipping)
Flat Sheet (Sand)               130.60
2 Fitted Sheets                  296.00
Duvet Cover (Sand)             271.60
Pillowcases (Sand)               81.60
Shams (Sand)                 177.20
Cashmere Throw                198.00        ($15.00 Shipping)
Flat Sheet (Choc)               130.60
Duvet Cover (Choc)             271.60
Pillowcases (Choc)               81.60
2 Shams (Choc)                 177.20
Less 10% Discount            585.35
Shipping                            325.00
Subtotal                        $5,593.15
7% Sales Tax                    391.52
The charges to my credit card are as follows:
04/16                $   709.53
05/20                  4,397.70
06/04                     316.72
06/26                     355.37
07/01                     227.15
07/01                     104.42
Total Charges    $6,110.89
Actual Cost         5,984.67
OVERCHARGE $   126.22
I am guessing that I was undercharged on some items and overcharged for the fitted sheets and for the Westport Bed, with the net result being a total overcharge of $126.22.  This would make the credit that Jennifer issued to my VISA for $378.12 too much by $251.90.  After you have reviewed all this information and find that it is correct, please charge the $251.90 to my VISA in order for things to be made right.  I have no interest in being refunded money that does not belong to me.  Should you find that my calculations are not correct, please let me know where I went wrong.
As for the duvet inserts, please give me the 10% discount, which would make the total for the inserts be $396.00 ($440.00 less $44.00).  I still have a difficult time believing that it costs $53.00 to ship 5 pounds by UPS Ground, but if so the total for the duvet inserts would be $480.43 ($396.00 + $53.00 shipping + $31.43 sales tax).  I would certainly hope that you could find these somewhere in your system and ship them to me far in advance of the projected August 2 shipping date.
Again, please forgive me for the previous e-mail from last night.  In addition to my frustration with this process, I have been dealing with serious health problems with my Mom and Dad, which as you can imagine is quite stressful.  That however does not excuse me for my comments.  The only complaint I need to file is with myself for not reviewing all the numbers first.
Thank you,
Jack Mc

Jack McJerkoff is on line one.

Hi Blog Reader! Happy New Year! Or,as I have also heard, Happy new Years! This is a classic email from a customer who is so happy to have latched on to me as his personal shopper. He is a lawyer. Neat!

Other than a brief conversation with Jennifer, I do not know anything about her, therefore I am addressing this to you.  The credit for $378.12 is total BS.  What happened to the $440.00 you actually owe me (as quoted me by Elizabeth)?  Not only did I have to wait an inordinate amount of time for something as simple as sheets, but you still are trying to steal from me.  I am almost 59 years old and have never done business with people as incompetent as your group.  Also, I have already looked at the order for the duvet inserts and I have been overcharged for those.  The 10% discount is nowhere in sight and you are charging me $53.00 to ship 5 pounds of fluff, not to mention the fact that it won't even ship until August 2.
If you insist on trying to cheat me, I will deny all charges on my current credit card bill and will also file a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission.  In addition, the U.S. Attorney in Oxford for the Northern District of Mississippi is a personal friend of mine.  If necessary, I will also file mail fraud charges against your company.
I have been extremely patient, but this is the final straw.  You need to give me the proper credit and get the duvet inserts to me before the end of the week or I will be forced to resort to extreme measures.  I am tired of the BS excuses.  Your company needs to learn how to do business in the appropriate manner or suffer the consequences.  Also, Elizabeth never called me back, in spite of the fact you told me earlier this afternoon that she would.  I guess that real customer service is no longer important to your company.  If I told one of my clients I would call them back and did not, I would no longer have that client.  It would behoove you to call me as soon as you get in tomorrow to resolve this problem.
Sincerely yours,
Jack Mc