Saturday, June 30, 2012
I happen to be a single unattached person. Which has been the case for so long now,I'm talkin years,that I really am beginning to be unsure about how much I actually want to change the situation. I've been "I" for so long now,I don't know if I wanna be "we". When I think about what kind of man I might allow to occupy my life with me its my little girl imagination that's coming up with the ideas. So this is what I come up with.... Archetypes.... In the fall and winter of this year I was dreaming of an Ironworker,strong,purposeful,a tradesman with a good pension,newly retired with a closet full of those Carhaart clothes that say " I'm a masculine man who likes it when you wear a bow." He works with his hands and eats steaks. He fixes things and tries his hand at listening to his girlfriend. He is very very easy to please and carries things for me.He doesn't like to talk about 9/11 and neither do I.But I need something a little more summer weight in a boyfriend for the warmer season. Spring is for cowboys. Wearing chaps,maybe he owns a herd of sheep,or cows that get wrangled.He is baked by the sun,has worn hands and a slow smile,doesn't say much but is heavy into native American mythology.He teaches me stuff and hails from Texas. He lies a bit but I don't mind. I braid his long hair for him and we take lazy naps.He's in to organic produce but not in a Brooklyn organic vegetable nerd way but in a the earth is good enough,we don't need to add anything to muck it up sorta way. He uses words like muck.He has a horse as fast as polished steel. He's left handed. I call him Lefty. But everyone knows him as Willie Nelson. Yup. My cowboy crush is Willie Nelson. Hey,knock it off,don't judge love. Summer? My Summer boyfriend archetype is a Native American Man. Beads,feathers,spirit world,teepee- whole 9 but more on him later,I'm not done loving Willie.
Friday, June 29, 2012
It's a real bummer to be writing this on my fabulous new iPad,which is now,in my estimation,a whole lot less fabulous since I discovered that I cannot upload photos to anywhere with it. But I am very happy to have it and I am aware of the moment to moment need to put a few tablespoons of gratitude in my attitude or I won't have any friends left. Here's what I did today. I awoke,awakened. I said some secret prayers that I refuse to share with anyone but the great Navajo spirit of the universe that I am currently praying to.Normally I use my old standby,Catholicism but I switch off after the Easter fervor and celebration is over for something fresher and more seasonal. I made myself a blueberry and peach smoothie with full fat Greek yogurt and almost fainted from how delicious it was. I phoned a friend and told her things about me and my state of mind and its whereabouts. A friend phoned me and I met her for coffee. She wanted to go candle shopping. I thought this was preposterous but didn't say so. It was already 98 degrees and no one in their right mind should even be thinking about flames or matches or anything heat generating. I think there is something wrong with her. I went ice cube shopping. I came home and made a skirt steak and a salad. Ate it. Drank iced tea. I wrote down on a piece of paper three things to do today,day whatever of my unemployment journey- which is how they refer to it at the unemployment office. It's not really a journey,it doesn't feel like a journey and if the next time I get in a car or on an airplane I start crying cause I can't pay the rent,I will also not enjoy that journey. Looks like they ruined the word "journey" for me. Then, I took a nap cause I was tired from being awake for 7 hours. I decided when I woke up 30 minutes later with the 30 new reasons that I will never get anywhere or find a husband that I will call my naps "regret naps". Every shitty thought I have seems to wake up when I sleep and then I have to an awful lot of soothing and rocking and singing to put them back down again. Then I worried about how much it is going to cost me to have my teeth done. Then I looked at the list of the three things and beat myself up for not getting to them yet. Then I read about Katie Holmes and whatshisface. Wow,shocking tales of their divorce. I guess she got tired of not talking for 5 years. Then a friend called and I talked about myself and my plans for awhile.Then she hung up. Then I started a painting and I listened to that video of the two little girls being interviewed after one of them cuts the others hair. It was very adorable. Then the exterminator,Dominic,came by and put out some mouse traps. There was one on the stove top a few days ago. It's surprising how little it bothered me. Then I wrote this blog post,with a heavy heart because I cannot post a cleverly chosen photo with it. Goodbye.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
February 2011?! Wow,I haven't really kept up with this blog. A lot has happened,like,I have procrastinated writing on this blog,which,if you are a procrastinator like I am,takes up a good chunk of time. I was fired from my last post as a retail wage slave shop girl malcontent because I hated being in the building,couldn't rise above the toxic feeling of it all and it showed a little around the edges of my otherwise breezy charm. Then I got another job. It was a big step up. Monday through Friday,9 ish to 5 ish, a chair,a desk,a phone,but,alas,it was a tacky sweater wholesaler run by an aging raging hippie with a Napoleon complex in lifts. I'll tell some excellent tales of angst later. On to now,like right now. Today I am unemployed again. As it worked out,and I can't believe I still feel embarrassed about this at all,I was let go from the tacky menopausal sweater company because I couldn't master the 50 year old counter system. It didn't have a mouse. When some technicians came out to fix it I overheard them say,"it's a dinosaur.they stopped making parts for it in the 80's". It was called the Vaxx. If we were having a bad day we would say we were feeling Vaxxy. Truth be told,I was the originator of most of the smart Alec comments. It was an open plan office. No walls and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut! That kind of a place,with those kinds of terrible conditions and smart frustrated people working there,well, how could I not be making smart ass remarks all day?! I was duty bound to a higher authority. I'm leaving now to go watch a sunset alone. Unemployed people do lots of alone things. I'm glad to be back. See you in the morning.