Mother of Pearl, she's back!!!

" I didn't get a call " says a voice very close to my face.


(I didn't get an "excuse me,miss", or a "hello,can you help me" or even a throat clear.")


She is standing in front of me. I am sitting at a desk,fabric swatches in front of me,typing at a keyboard,my latest customer looking over my shoulder as I research pricing for him.


All of this is lost on her. (Note;if someone looks busy,they probably are busy)


"Excuse me,you didn't get a call?". I say,the multi tasking beginning.I apologize to the customer I am helping. The MOP curmudgeon STILL does not budge,her body language says, "It's my turn,even if it's not."

"Yes, I was in a month ago, I was put on a list to be called when the Mother of Pearl Entertaining Collection comes back into stock."

There is no list!!!

I feel sorry for the people she is entertaining. She has yet to prove capable of being entertaining to me. I wonder how bad the situation would become if I told her that I wrote her name and number on a slip of scrap paper and put it in the zippered book that is my "office" and promptly,passive aggressively forgot about it.

(Note: The Golden Ticket in retail service is this,no matter how much you have been wronged,under served,ignored,and misused as a customer,if you are kind and nice and patient,you will get whatever you want from us. The moment you sound condescending,it's on,or over.)



Yes,it's her! It's the cheese knife curmudgeon. I almost didn't recognize her without her crazy hair. This time it's blown out,and I am caught off guard!  In my experience ,crazy people usually have unmanageable,crazy hair that matches their personality.


"I don't think it's in yet",I say,hoping it isn't cause that's really what she's here for,her opportunity to get her insane self centered frustrations out on me,the woman who victimized her by NOT CALLING WHEN I SAID I WOULD!! That is almost more important than getting the friggin' tray. It's never about the Mother of Pearl. It's about letting me know how victimized you have been,you,the GREAT SHOPPER,by me,the scum idiot retail name tag.

I ask my coworkers and a manager if the stuff has come in,they tell us it has not."Sorry, it's not in yet."


"I'm on the list to be called when it arrives.Can you tell me how many people are on the list ahead of me?"

There is no LIST!!!! There is no list of other people who are waiting to get your $38.00 mass produced tray,made in the Phillipines by the thousands!!!!!!!! You are not living in reality!!!!! And who are you entertaining?? You're poor friends? Those spineless people who are afraid of you when you become even more belligerent when you're drunk and probably yell at them not to get crumbs all over the place?!?!


"You're the only one."

"Great. When will I get a call,you said you would call."
"I'll call you as soon as they arrive,even if I'm asleep,even if it's my day off, "everything I do, I do it for you.AHHHHH,yeah.There's no tray,like your tray,and no other,can have your tray..."
 God what I wouldn't give to break out in Ryan Adams song,sarcastically..!



"I think I really did get the prettiest of all the cheese knives and I am very happy with their performance. They are just working out beautifully." she mentions. (oh myyyyyyyy god. I don't care I can't care I can't I just dont pleeeeeaasse stop please stop .)



"How many are you getting,because when mine comes in I would like to compare several until I find the perfect one. " I know I remember it well and I can hardly wait to stand silently in front of you as you meticulously,annoyingly,sadly pore over mother natures' handiwork to find just which combination of 1/2" x 1/2" squares of shell please you the most.Ughhhhhhh.


"I don't know."
"How could you not know?"
God,what does it matter????!!!!!! I just don't know,meanwhile,this nice stylish,normal interesting gentleman is waiting for me to finish waiting on him because YOU interrupted us to ask your question,the most important question in the store at any given moment,right?????

 If you were my Mother of Pearl tray I would melt limburger and bleu cheese on you in a 500 degree oven until it burnt and then I would put you out on the fire escape.Forever