Sunday, July 1, 2012

Eggerything is an ordeal.

I want to eat potato salad.once the thought occurs,the ordeal begins. I have to find the recipe on weight watchers. Then I have to root around in the fridge and cupboards and see how many important ingredients I don't have that I will decide I can do without. Well,the decision is not fully mine,it really comes from lack of funding. It called for relish but since I only have $3.07 in the bank until the next unemployment check directly deposits itself- (a modern miracle for which I am grateful. We used to have to wait for these,in the mail,like the mailbox,you guys. Geez,how many it times have I been unemployed? Don't think about it,don't think about it,don't think about it. Choose denial.) I am forced to use the bottom of the jar of that morphed condiment called "hamburger relish" which is nothing more and nothing less that mustard mixed with relish. Note- I just now decided that I am inventing a new condiment called "picnic relish" a disgusting combination of relish,ketchup and mustard. There is not one good reason not to do this. Anyway,I am a very busy person who shows up for life as they say. However,if laziness sneaks back inside the apartment, it gets pretty ridiculous. I resent and sigh my way through chores like looking at the bag of potatoes to see how much it weighs. Ugh,what a pain. The recipe calls for,hard boiled eggs- Jesus! What is this;prison cooking?! That's two ingredients that have to be cooked! Oh,geez. I decide that given my awful track record making hard boiled eggs-they NEVER turn out right- I am going to consult Julia Child. It'll be just like that girl who was so much like me, the one who lost her job and decided to start a blog in which she makes every Julia Child recipe and writes about and then the book gets published and Hollywood comes sniffing around,only,I am done my project already!In one afternoon! Laziness is good!I make it work in my favor! I follow Julia Childs' recipe for hard boiled eggs which involves precise timing and directions,2 minutes for this, a lid,then no lid, ice baths,10 seconds for the other thing. Ten seconds!!!I have never followed a recipe in my life that called for ten seconds of anything! Gahhhhhhhd, why is it so hard?! Ok Julia,I am putting my 5 eggs in your hands. When the time comes for the drudgery to end and for the greatest moment of a hard boiled eggs'life to arrive,I tap tap tap the first one on the glass cutting board and start peeling. The membrane (which remains lest you forget that you just killed something and boiled its life and if you continue to think about it you will be forced into veganism and out of your carnivore family.)and the shell come off in a clean swoop, beautiful success! Eggs are tres chic! But wait! I still have to boil potatoes,chop celery,onion,blah blah blah until at last-voila! Potato salad! It is 3 weight watchers points but since I had to slave harder than Sally Hemings on it,I decide that I deserve two helpings. Not very skinny thinking but whatever,I said I was lazy.

1 comment:

  1. Well surely you can count the herculean labours of preparation as exercise and bulk up your points anyway. I used to bank points this way to award myself extra whisky-and-sodas (which to this day still taste of the exquisite tension between weight loss austerity and sweet indulgence).