Saturday, October 23, 2010


First she called me over to the bathmat she was holding. It was ivory in color,woven,$48.00. "What will happen to this if I bleach it?" she asked.

"What will happen if you bleach it?",I replied,hoping she would hear,from my parroting back to her,that the question was inane and was making me tired already.She didn't.
"It will get bleach spots and the color will be,um,bleached out of it."
"Then what should I do to clean it?"
"You should wash it. In a washing machine with laundry detergent."
"What about bleach?"
" Um,use color safe bleach."
"Now,tell me,does color safe bleach work?"
Ohhhhhh lady,no,it's the biggest hoax of the century.They really screwed you over this time. This is just the problem she was waiting for! People want cheese knives and bathmats,yes,but people also know that as they shop,they can work out their craziness on you,as long as you are wearing a nametag.
she buys the mat.
Now we move over to the mother of pearl entertaining collection,one of our biggest sellers.
She picks up a little mother of pearl and stainless steel knife from a set of 4 for $38 and says "do these cheese knives work?"
"um,do they WORK?"
"yes,some of them don't."
(how many cheese knives have you owned? how many have disappointed you? how many have been so superior that they have ruined the chances for your other cheese knives to shine?)
"They......were designed for their intended purpose,yes." (patience begins to strain,my nametag begins to sweat a little)
We spend the next 30 minutes unwrapping boxes of these poor little knives so that she can choose the "most perfect" ones. I hate perfectionists,nothing is ever good enough,which just means that they feel they are never good enough,and you can never be good enough,just like the innocent little cheese knife,it's handle lovingly decorated in the Phillipines with a beautiful pearly white shell that came from God or the creative power of the universe,whatever you want to call it,whatever book you read.God made m.o.p. so it's already perfect,lady. Who are you to critique what god and the Phillipines made?
Your total is $94.87.

1 comment:

  1. OMG! Can't stand how funny this is! Being a retail hag myself, thanks for rant!