Ginger Darling

"Do you have a low blue and white bowl to put a plant in?"


"No, the only blue and white porcelain we carry are the ginger jars."



"Yes, I know about them, I didn't ask you about them."


"No, I dont have anything blue and white and low."



"What happened is ,I have this plant,I had it in a blue and white container that was knocked over, courtesy of the four legged one and i cant put it back on the windowsill, that would just be asking for it, so what I need is a low bowl in chinese blue and white."



"I'm sorry, I don't have anything like that. "



"Pottery Barn sent me over, they thought you might have what I want."



"We dont."



"Where else would you suggest?"

(I would suggest that you are crazy,that we call you crazy cat lady and I would suggest that you leave.)



"Um, try Pearl River Mart downtown on Grand street,they have alot of blue and white Chinese ceramics."



"Oh thats CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a bunch of CRAP!!!!!!!! Why would anyone go down there? "



(ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goooooooooooooooooooooddddddddddddddd whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyare you so crraaazzzzzyyyyy when we are closing in 5 minutes!!!!?????)" We don't have it".



"I mean that is utterly ridiculous that you would suggest that anyone go all the way to Grand street when Madison avenue is right here. This is ridiculous. I don't know who you think you're dealing with."

"You're right,this is ridiculous. I don't have what you want. I'm sorry."



And with that delightful retail exchange,crazy cat lady (as we have dubbed her because she has brought her cat INTO the store with her to shop-hence cat. And because she is known in other stores as crazy cat lady and because she is the most combative, cursing belligerent wonder I have ever laid eyes on,hence- CRAZY), all 4'10" of her, shuffled/stormed out of the store,leaving behind a mist of bitterness and the odor of someone unable to be pleasant under very pleasant circumstances.)



God help me.

Holy Sheet

"this bedding is so great,you guys should really run with it."
"thanks,it IS really nice."
"no,but,I mean,you really should push this,it would do well."
"yeah,we sell over thirty different styles.it's on promotion right now."
"well, i want to take it but i can't possibly carry it with me,i have a hair appointment.can i come back later for it? will it be here?"
"i'll put it on hold for you."
"great,i''ll come back later,with great looking hair!!

(the word "great" is overused in retail.)

"you know,i didn't even know this store existed. i mean,i come to this neighborhood all the time. i shop in the shops all the time. but i never knew you were here.you should advertise."
"oh,we do.glad you found us."(not true.)
"i love the look of things,the style of the store.you really should run with this,i think it would be really succesful." (we've been here for years,the brand is 10 years old and this is our 11th store.)
"thanks."
"NO! i mean it." (i did say thanks,right? that is an affirmation.i didn't say,no,that's a ridiculous notion madam!! jesus,take the bedding out of your ears,lady! some people are so completely self absorbed,it's fascinating.on top of frustrating.)
"but anyway,the bedding is gorgeous,you really should run with it."

i just have one question.how is "run with it" different from conceptualizing it,designing it,sourcing it,ordering it,shipping it,merchandising it,advertising it and selling it???????

MOTHER OF PEARL!!!!!!!!!!

First she called me over to the bathmat she was holding. It was ivory in color,woven,$48.00. "What will happen to this if I bleach it?" she asked.

"What will happen if you bleach it?",I replied,hoping she would hear,from my parroting back to her,that the question was inane and was making me tired already.She didn't.
"It will get bleach spots and the color will be,um,bleached out of it."
"Then what should I do to clean it?"
"You should wash it. In a washing machine with laundry detergent."
"What about bleach?"
" Um,use color safe bleach."
"Now,tell me,does color safe bleach work?"
Ohhhhhh lady,no,it's the biggest hoax of the century.They really screwed you over this time. This is just the problem she was waiting for! People want cheese knives and bathmats,yes,but people also know that as they shop,they can work out their craziness on you,as long as you are wearing a nametag.
she buys the mat.
Now we move over to the mother of pearl entertaining collection,one of our biggest sellers.
She picks up a little mother of pearl and stainless steel knife from a set of 4 for $38 and says "do these cheese knives work?"
"um,do they WORK?"
"yes,some of them don't."
(how many cheese knives have you owned? how many have disappointed you? how many have been so superior that they have ruined the chances for your other cheese knives to shine?)
"They......were designed for their intended purpose,yes." (patience begins to strain,my nametag begins to sweat a little)
We spend the next 30 minutes unwrapping boxes of these poor little knives so that she can choose the "most perfect" ones. I hate perfectionists,nothing is ever good enough,which just means that they feel they are never good enough,and you can never be good enough,just like the innocent little cheese knife,it's handle lovingly decorated in the Phillipines with a beautiful pearly white shell that came from God or the creative power of the universe,whatever you want to call it,whatever book you read.God made m.o.p. so it's already perfect,lady. Who are you to critique what god and the Phillipines made?
Your total is $94.87.