Retail Fever

"Ohhh,man,son,I'm buyin' all dis shit,yo!" he exclaims as he reaches the top stair and looks around the store. He is mesmerized.
It is a slow Monday morning and these two guys have the store to themselves. I listen in as they explore.
"Check it out,that's MY bed,son." he says about a beautifully made up rosewood deco bed in a queen size.It retails for $2600.00.
"Oh, MAN!! I'm buyin' ALL this shit ,YO!" his friend replies.
They plop down on the bed,see me looking,and jump back up,trying their best to refresh the bedding.
They keep walking to to the back of the store now,slowly,like two kids seeing snow for the first time,mouths agape,savoring the unexpected moments of retail beauty.
Then,they see the flat screen.
"Nigga,I want Samsung upstairs AND downstairs!"
"Yeah,son,and Ima buy all this shit and go grocery shoppin' in my pajamas!" his friend replies.
They wander over to the zebra hide rug,made from cowhide,dyed white and screen printed with a black zebra hide pattern.
"Nigga,you know what this is? That's a white tiger yo! That is fly!"
"Ima walk all ovah this shit!"
They make the final turn to complete their browse. They come upon our luxurious faux fur throws. They begin to caress and pet them.
"I'm buyin' all dis shit,son! Feel dis shit! This is Werewolf shit is what dis is!!"

I think I could love him. Yes,we come from two different worlds,but I clearly have what he wants, Samsung and fluffy beds and Zebra rugs.
He is a high level consumer of trendy consumer goods, a young man with an astute knowledge of style trends.He probably paid $300 for those kicks. He is turned out much more nicely than I am today,that is certain. He is the kind of man that doesn't leave the house unless his shit is right. I cannot say the same about myself. I imagine us getting Pinkberry together. Then, he let's me see what he has on his Ipod and then I show him my Ipod. And he laughs at Dolly Parton and he laughs at Chicago. And I know it is over before it even began.
They drift out the store and I know,I just know,that the rest of this day is all downhill .

Ginger Darling

"Do you have a low blue and white bowl to put a plant in?"


"No, the only blue and white porcelain we carry are the ginger jars."



"Yes, I know about them, I didn't ask you about them."


"No, I dont have anything blue and white and low."



"What happened is ,I have this plant,I had it in a blue and white container that was knocked over, courtesy of the four legged one and i cant put it back on the windowsill, that would just be asking for it, so what I need is a low bowl in chinese blue and white."



"I'm sorry, I don't have anything like that. "



"Pottery Barn sent me over, they thought you might have what I want."



"We dont."



"Where else would you suggest?"

(I would suggest that you are crazy,that we call you crazy cat lady and I would suggest that you leave.)



"Um, try Pearl River Mart downtown on Grand street,they have alot of blue and white Chinese ceramics."



"Oh thats CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a bunch of CRAP!!!!!!!! Why would anyone go down there? "



(ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh goooooooooooooooooooooddddddddddddddd whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyare you so crraaazzzzzyyyyy when we are closing in 5 minutes!!!!?????)" We don't have it".



"I mean that is utterly ridiculous that you would suggest that anyone go all the way to Grand street when Madison avenue is right here. This is ridiculous. I don't know who you think you're dealing with."

"You're right,this is ridiculous. I don't have what you want. I'm sorry."



And with that delightful retail exchange,crazy cat lady (as we have dubbed her because she has brought her cat INTO the store with her to shop-hence cat. And because she is known in other stores as crazy cat lady and because she is the most combative, cursing belligerent wonder I have ever laid eyes on,hence- CRAZY), all 4'10" of her, shuffled/stormed out of the store,leaving behind a mist of bitterness and the odor of someone unable to be pleasant under very pleasant circumstances.)



God help me.