this coupon entitles bearer to torture one shopgirl.

"hi i need help."

"sure"

"are those for sale?"

"no."

"so i can't buy them?"

"no,they're not for sale,they're just display."

"oh,so you don't sell them?"

"no,we don't sell them."

"where did you get them?"

"i have no idea,i'm sorry."

"you might try pearl river mart." i suggest.

"hmmm,i don't know about the quality there."

"hmmm,i mimic."

"i want this bath mat. (she is holding a bathmat in  a bright white color.)

this is white,right?"

"yes,that's white."

"i also want to see the orange color."

i walk over to another display where we have them in two shades of orange. as i pick them up she asks,

"are those the orange ones?"

"yes,this is the deep coral and the pale coral."

"oh, i want hermes orange."

i"m sorry,i don't carry that color."

"i'll take the white.

i have a coupon."

she pulls out a coupon for $20 off that looks as if it was in the bottom of her pocket when she was 

homeless during the rainy season.

it is for our other brand,a different store. it clearly states on the coupon that is it only good for that brand,not our brand or the website or the catalog. it was a one day promotion that they ran.

i explain this to her and her $500 barbour coat. i'm pretty sure her $1200 prada bag is listening too.

she says" well i don't understand,i mean they gave it to me" why can't i use it? they gave it to me." 

"it's very easy to understand,i just explained it to you.( i am not supposed to talk to customers like that but it feels really, really good) it is only good for the other brand. it isn't good in this store. it clearly states it right here in print."

"well,ill take the bath mat."

"ok."

she tosses her credit card at me across the marble cash wrap desk.

(today,i just can't do it. i can't be moved today. i dig my heels in)

i don't pick it up for her which is what she wants.

"you can swipe it through the credit card reader please."

she does.

her receipt prints. i wrap her $48 dollar bath mat in tissue paper, and affix the fancy little sticker to it to close it up,place it in a bag and thank her very much. very much.

"is it traditional or contemporary?" she asks me.

(what? you want to know the historical provenance of a bath mat? seriously? lady, you are 60. if you could stop acting like a spoiled brat who is being victimized into paying full retail for a bathmat that she doesn't really want then maybe the rage that is knotting up the fist i wanna throw in your direction would ease up a bit.)

"it isn't really either. it is white on white knotted textile with a framed border.it will work just as well in a contemporary or a traditional space."

"uhhh,well,i have contemporary."

"it'll be fine". it's a white. bath. mat and by my estimation we should have stopped discussing it about 7 minutes ago.

she leaves the store.

i try to breathe my rage back down to a 2 or 3.

in 5 minutes she returns.

"i just saw my son outside. he saw the pattern on the edge of the bath mat and he doesn't like it so i have to return it. how can we make that happen?" (your son? the edge? a pattern? your son? what? jesus h. christ.)

"um,i'll get a manager"- because if i have to talk to you again i'm gonna punch you in the kidneys and tell you to get out of my store.

have a nice day and don't slip when you get out of your contemporary bathtub in your contemporary bathroom and break your contemporary neck. see you next week when you return and we go through this all over again.

Jack McJerkoff is sorry and he would like to file a complaint. With himself.

Marianne and Jennifer,

 

Please excuse and forgive me for my previous rant in the e-mail I sent you last night shortly after 8 PM my time.  This process has been extremely frustrating for me and I am sure for you also.  I just have had a very difficult time with the constantly changing numbers and the long waiting periods to receive the ordered items.  As a result, I got up early this morning and ran the numbers again.  It would appear that we were both wrong on the amount of overcharge.  The quote given me by Marianne on April 5, being 8 days prior to the order was precisely correct, but did not include sales tax.  I believe the following calculations are correct:

 

Westport Bed                $4,037.50        ($310.00 Shipping)

Flat Sheet (Sand)               130.60

2 Fitted Sheets                  296.00

Duvet Cover (Sand)             271.60

Pillowcases (Sand)               81.60

2 Shams (Sand)                 177.20

Cashmere Throw                198.00        ($15.00 Shipping)

Flat Sheet (Choc)               130.60

Duvet Cover (Choc)             271.60

Pillowcases (Choc)               81.60

2 Shams (Choc)                 177.20

                                    $5,853.50

Less 10% Discount            585.35

                                    $5,268.15

Shipping                            325.00

Subtotal                        $5,593.15

7% Sales Tax                    391.52

                                    $5,984.67

 

The charges to my credit card are as follows:

04/16                $   709.53

05/20                  4,397.70

06/04                     316.72

06/26                     355.37

07/01                     227.15

07/01                     104.42

Total Charges    $6,110.89

Actual Cost         5,984.67

OVERCHARGE $   126.22

 

I am guessing that I was undercharged on some items and overcharged for the fitted sheets and for the Westport Bed, with the net result being a total overcharge of $126.22.  This would make the credit that Jennifer issued to my VISA for $378.12 too much by $251.90.  After you have reviewed all this information and find that it is correct, please charge the $251.90 to my VISA in order for things to be made right.  I have no interest in being refunded money that does not belong to me.  Should you find that my calculations are not correct, please let me know where I went wrong.

 

As for the duvet inserts, please give me the 10% discount, which would make the total for the inserts be $396.00 ($440.00 less $44.00).  I still have a difficult time believing that it costs $53.00 to ship 5 pounds by UPS Ground, but if so the total for the duvet inserts would be $480.43 ($396.00 + $53.00 shipping + $31.43 sales tax).  I would certainly hope that you could find these somewhere in your system and ship them to me far in advance of the projected August 2 shipping date.

 

Again, please forgive me for the previous e-mail from last night.  In addition to my frustration with this process, I have been dealing with serious health problems with my Mom and Dad, which as you can imagine is quite stressful.  That however does not excuse me for my comments.  The only complaint I need to file is with myself for not reviewing all the numbers first.

 

Thank you,

 

Jack Mc

Jack McJerkoff is on line one.

Hi Blog Reader! Happy New Year! Or,as I have also heard, Happy new Years! This is a classic email from a customer who is so happy to have latched on to me as his personal shopper. He is a lawyer. Neat!

Marianne--

Other than a brief conversation with Jennifer, I do not know anything about her, therefore I am addressing this to you.  The credit for $378.12 is total BS.  What happened to the $440.00 you actually owe me (as quoted me by Elizabeth)?  Not only did I have to wait an inordinate amount of time for something as simple as sheets, but you still are trying to steal from me.  I am almost 59 years old and have never done business with people as incompetent as your group.  Also, I have already looked at the order for the duvet inserts and I have been overcharged for those.  The 10% discount is nowhere in sight and you are charging me $53.00 to ship 5 pounds of fluff, not to mention the fact that it won't even ship until August 2.

If you insist on trying to cheat me, I will deny all charges on my current credit card bill and will also file a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission.  In addition, the U.S. Attorney in Oxford for the Northern District of Mississippi is a personal friend of mine.  If necessary, I will also file mail fraud charges against your company.

I have been extremely patient, but this is the final straw.  You need to give me the proper credit and get the duvet inserts to me before the end of the week or I will be forced to resort to extreme measures.  I am tired of the BS excuses.  Your company needs to learn how to do business in the appropriate manner or suffer the consequences.  Also, Elizabeth never called me back, in spite of the fact you told me earlier this afternoon that she would.  I guess that real customer service is no longer important to your company.  If I told one of my clients I would call them back and did not, I would no longer have that client.  It would behoove you to call me as soon as you get in tomorrow to resolve this problem.

Sincerely yours,

Jack Mc

A Cup and a Half of Entitlement

Ring Ring.

" Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah,this is _____, "

"Yes,this is Ina gartens' assistant calling. I am with Ina,we are in the neighborhood of the store and she would like to come in and do a little shopping."

"Okay,great."

"Here's the thing,Ina isn't in to crowds. is it really busy?"

"Yes,it's pretty busy,Christmas shopping is in full swing."

"Riiggghhhttt. What we would like to do is have oe of your employees meet Ina at her car and sort of clear a path for her to get in to the store and then shield her as she shops."

"Uh huh. Well,it is pretty busy,I don't know if we can spare an employee to be a bodyguard but let me put you on with a manager.Please hold."

Entitlement.Pure and simple.Baking in a 350 degree oven until it is soft a mushy and spineless in the middle and has a hard burnt crispy crust that Ina thinks deserves a private shopping experience in one of the busiest stores in NYC during the busiest weeks of the year.

Um, you are a chubby middle aged chef. A cook. You are not Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber. You will not draw throngs of other chubby middle aged chef and chef fans/enthusiasts that will swarm around you,blocking your view of the spatulas. You will not.
Last week Natalie Portman was in the store,by herself,for two hours. Nobody bothered her. Nobody said a peep. (I watched her from a secret vantage point for about 30 minutes. It felt creepy and was the highlight of my boring day selling towels.) I felt it was a private blessing bestowed on me by a very jewish God cause it was the first day of Channukah and I was watching the worlds' most beautiful Jew.

So, No,Ina,we will not provide you with a private bodyguard that we will pay all of of $12 an hour to,before he goes back to his regular job of stocking the shelves of cheese graters.You are a multi millionaire. Get your own body guard. You are a rich woman. You make a really nice bread pudding. But you are rather boring and in no world in the universe are people swarming  you in giant tv chef frenzied crowds. Sorry babe.

 She never showed.

Husband Shopping

Husbands of NYC and the Greater Metropolitan area, this is what I hear over and over and over from your wives, "He doesn't want to be involved in the process of choosing anything at all for our home. He won't come to the store, he won't look at fabric samples, he won't look online. But,he wants the final say on all the decisions."

Husbands,I think you play wonderful roles in the world. I myself am hoping to have one of you for myself someday soon. However,this practice,this attitude is kinda gross. You may be the boss at the office but acting like the CEO at home is a turnoff. Why do you get to swoop in at the last minute and say "I will allow it."?? Your wife and I just spent 4 days choosing styles,fabrics,finishes and deciding on furniture requirements and placement. Now we gotta wait for the bigshot with the wallet to say he likes it,or he will allow it,or where's my leather chair and does it recline? No fair!!!!

From my experience,many men shop for leather things. They shop for soft things,things that feel like plush toys. They shop for big things.They want all chairs to accomodate a sleeping position.They respond to brown. And they ask if we sell black out curtains. We do not. (although,according to a certain person I work with,"any of these fabrics can be made in to curtains that will black out a room." This ain't true but some people cannot stand to watch customers walk out of a store without spending money first and so they will tell them lies.) And I can't say a thing.

Anyway, I just want to say Husbands, if you want to be involved in the final cut and the big payoff when the house is beautiful and everyone is saying so, then you gotta show up for practice,for scrimmages,the early morning runs and for the pep talks. Otherwise,you start to seem a little dictatorish. Look what happened to Idi Amin.

 I'm just sayin'.

Mishapen Identity

"Hi,we bought a bed here,an upholstered bed. Did you wait on us?"

"I'm not sure,I do remember you though."

"Yeah,no, the girl who helped us was skinny, really skinny, I don't think it was you.I don't remember her name."

"Uh-huh.Um,was it Paula or Liza?"

"I don't know, but I don't think it was you,honey do you think it was her, did she wait on us?" (this would be the last exit available to ask me what my name is,instead of standing 16" in front of me as you discuss me. rude!!)

"I dunno."

"Great,well,how can I help you today?"

"Well, we bought an upholstered bed and we've had it for a few months and it's getting really dusty along the top. What do you do for that?"

(are you kidding me? seriously? first you obliviously run roughshod over my body issues and now you want cleaning advice? why are some people so adept  at absentmindedly dehumanizing others? and why am i so fascinated by them?!)

"Um,you,clean it. Like,dust it or vacuum it."

"Riggggghhhhht,but isn't there anything you can do to stop it from getting dusty?"

"No."

Number One and Number Two

"Have a seat.You are aware of how busy the holidays are in retail. I just want to remind you about our corporate break policies."

He is sitting at a computer that is against the wall. I am standing behind him. He does not turn around as he talks to me. I am forced to look at the back of his head as his body language says one of two things,
 No.1) I am intimidated or, No.2) I am intimidating.

I wedge myself between the desk to his left and the side of his head.
"Um, I can't really hear you when you talk to me like that."
He still doesn't turn around but I guess the side of his head is as good as it's gonna get.
"Have a seat and shut the door."
I do.
He is holding a printed copy of an email that he has highlighted. I try not to show that I have already started laughing on the inside.

"In the future please try get everything done,that you need to get done, on your lunch break."

"OK"

"So, today,you punched back in from lunch,and THEN went to the bathroom."

(NUH UNH, he did not just say that.)

"Please try to time your bathroom breaks with your lunch breaks."

"Um, we don't have to punch out to use the rest room. We get paid for restroom breaks."

He gets a little flustered now.

"You know what I mean. (I don't) Just now you punched back in from lunch and then used the restroom."

"Yeah,um, I can't really predict my bladders' behavior."

" If I were you, and I knew I was going on my lunch break, I would visit the restroom then."

"Uh huh....."

"You're not in trouble or anything. You're not getting written up."

"Ok,thanks."

"Great,now go sell something!!"