Eggerything is an ordeal.

I want to eat potato salad.once the thought occurs,the ordeal begins. I have to find the recipe on weight watchers. Then I have to root around in the fridge and cupboards and see how many important ingredients I don't have that I will decide I can do without. Well,the decision is not fully mine,it really comes from lack of funding. It called for relish but since I only have $3.07 in the bank until the next unemployment check directly deposits itself- (a modern miracle for which I am grateful. We used to have to wait for these,in the mail,like the mailbox,you guys. Geez,how many it times have I been unemployed? Don't think about it,don't think about it,don't think about it. Choose denial.) I am forced to use the bottom of the jar of that morphed condiment called "hamburger relish" which is nothing more and nothing less that mustard mixed with relish. Note- I just now decided that I am inventing a new condiment called "picnic relish" a disgusting combination of relish,ketchup and mustard. There is not one good reason not to do this. Anyway,I am a very busy person who shows up for life as they say. However,if laziness sneaks back inside the apartment, it gets pretty ridiculous. I resent and sigh my way through chores like looking at the bag of potatoes to see how much it weighs. Ugh,what a pain. The recipe calls for,hard boiled eggs- Jesus! What is this;prison cooking?! That's two ingredients that have to be cooked! Oh,geez. I decide that given my awful track record making hard boiled eggs-they NEVER turn out right- I am going to consult Julia Child. It'll be just like that girl who was so much like me, the one who lost her job and decided to start a blog in which she makes every Julia Child recipe and writes about and then the book gets published and Hollywood comes sniffing around,only,I am done my project already!In one afternoon! Laziness is good!I make it work in my favor! I follow Julia Childs' recipe for hard boiled eggs which involves precise timing and directions,2 minutes for this, a lid,then no lid, ice baths,10 seconds for the other thing. Ten seconds!!!I have never followed a recipe in my life that called for ten seconds of anything! Gahhhhhhhd, why is it so hard?! Ok Julia,I am putting my 5 eggs in your hands. When the time comes for the drudgery to end and for the greatest moment of a hard boiled eggs'life to arrive,I tap tap tap the first one on the glass cutting board and start peeling. The membrane (which remains lest you forget that you just killed something and boiled its life and if you continue to think about it you will be forced into veganism and out of your carnivore family.)and the shell come off in a clean swoop, beautiful success! Eggs are tres chic! But wait! I still have to boil potatoes,chop celery,onion,blah blah blah until at last-voila! Potato salad! It is 3 weight watchers points but since I had to slave harder than Sally Hemings on it,I decide that I deserve two helpings. Not very skinny thinking but whatever,I said I was lazy.

My kingdom for a guy on a horse

I happen to be a single unattached person. Which has been the case for so long now,I'm talkin years,that I really am beginning to be unsure about how much I actually want to change the situation. I've been "I" for so long now,I don't know if I wanna be "we". When I think about what kind of man I might allow to occupy my life with me its my little girl imagination that's coming up with the ideas. So this is what I come up with.... Archetypes.... In the fall and winter of this year I was dreaming of an Ironworker,strong,purposeful,a tradesman with a good pension,newly retired with a closet full of those Carhaart clothes that say " I'm a masculine man who likes it when you wear a bow." He works with his hands and eats steaks. He fixes things and tries his hand at listening to his girlfriend. He is very very easy to please and carries things for me.He doesn't like to talk about 9/11 and neither do I.But I need something a little more summer weight in a boyfriend for the warmer season. Spring is for cowboys. Wearing chaps,maybe he owns a herd of sheep,or cows that get wrangled.He is baked by the sun,has worn hands and a slow smile,doesn't say much but is heavy into native American mythology.He teaches me stuff and hails from Texas. He lies a bit but I don't mind. I braid his long hair for him and we take lazy naps.He's in to organic produce but not in a Brooklyn organic vegetable nerd way but in a the earth is good enough,we don't need to add anything to muck it up sorta way. He uses words like muck.He has a horse as fast as polished steel. He's left handed. I call him Lefty. But everyone knows him as Willie Nelson. Yup. My cowboy crush is Willie Nelson. Hey,knock it off,don't judge love. Summer? My Summer boyfriend archetype is a Native American Man. Beads,feathers,spirit world,teepee- whole 9 but more on him later,I'm not done loving Willie.

It'll have to wait...

It's a real bummer to be writing this on my fabulous new iPad,which is now,in my estimation,a whole lot less fabulous since I discovered that I cannot upload photos to anywhere with it. But I am very happy to have it and I am aware of the moment to moment need to put a few tablespoons of gratitude in my attitude or I won't have any friends left. Here's what I did today. I awoke,awakened. I said some secret prayers that I refuse to share with anyone but the great Navajo spirit of the universe that I am currently praying to.Normally I use my old standby,Catholicism but I switch off after the Easter fervor and celebration is over for something fresher and more seasonal. I made myself a blueberry and peach smoothie with full fat Greek yogurt and almost fainted from how delicious it was. I phoned a friend and told her things about me and my state of mind and its whereabouts. A friend phoned me and I met her for coffee. She wanted to go candle shopping. I thought this was preposterous but didn't say so. It was already 98 degrees and no one in their right mind should even be thinking about flames or matches or anything heat generating. I think there is something wrong with her. I went ice cube shopping. I came home and made a skirt steak and a salad. Ate it. Drank iced tea. I wrote down on a piece of paper three things to do today,day whatever of my unemployment journey- which is how they refer to it at the unemployment office. It's not really a journey,it doesn't feel like a journey and if the next time I get in a car or on an airplane I start crying cause I can't pay the rent,I will also not enjoy that journey. Looks like they ruined the word "journey" for me. Then, I took a nap cause I was tired from being awake for 7 hours. I decided when I woke up 30 minutes later with the 30 new reasons that I will never get anywhere or find a husband that I will call my naps "regret naps". Every shitty thought I have seems to wake up when I sleep and then I have to an awful lot of soothing and rocking and singing to put them back down again. Then I worried about how much it is going to cost me to have my teeth done. Then I looked at the list of the three things and beat myself up for not getting to them yet. Then I read about Katie Holmes and whatshisface. Wow,shocking tales of their divorce. I guess she got tired of not talking for 5 years. Then a friend called and I talked about myself and my plans for awhile.Then she hung up. Then I started a painting and I listened to that video of the two little girls being interviewed after one of them cuts the others hair. It was very adorable. Then the exterminator,Dominic,came by and put out some mouse traps. There was one on the stove top a few days ago. It's surprising how little it bothered me. Then I wrote this blog post,with a heavy heart because I cannot post a cleverly chosen photo with it. Goodbye.

February 2011?! Wow,I haven't really kept up with this blog. A lot has happened,like,I have procrastinated writing on this blog,which,if you are a procrastinator like I am,takes up a good chunk of time. I was fired from my last post as a retail wage slave shop girl malcontent because I hated being in the building,couldn't rise above the toxic feeling of it all and it showed a little around the edges of my otherwise breezy charm. Then I got another job. It was a big step up. Monday through Friday,9 ish to 5 ish, a chair,a desk,a phone,but,alas,it was a tacky sweater wholesaler run by an aging raging hippie with a Napoleon complex in lifts. I'll tell some excellent tales of angst later. On to now,like right now. Today I am unemployed again. As it worked out,and I can't believe I still feel embarrassed about this at all,I was let go from the tacky menopausal sweater company because I couldn't master the 50 year old counter system. It didn't have a mouse. When some technicians came out to fix it I overheard them say,"it's a dinosaur.they stopped making parts for it in the 80's". It was called the Vaxx. If we were having a bad day we would say we were feeling Vaxxy. Truth be told,I was the originator of most of the smart Alec comments. It was an open plan office. No walls and I just couldn't keep my mouth shut! That kind of a place,with those kinds of terrible conditions and smart frustrated people working there,well, how could I not be making smart ass remarks all day?! I was duty bound to a higher authority. I'm leaving now to go watch a sunset alone. Unemployed people do lots of alone things. I'm glad to be back. See you in the morning.

this coupon entitles bearer to torture one shopgirl.

"hi i need help."

"sure"

"are those for sale?"

"no."

"so i can't buy them?"

"no,they're not for sale,they're just display."

"oh,so you don't sell them?"

"no,we don't sell them."

"where did you get them?"

"i have no idea,i'm sorry."

"you might try pearl river mart." i suggest.

"hmmm,i don't know about the quality there."

"hmmm,i mimic."

"i want this bath mat. (she is holding a bathmat in  a bright white color.)

this is white,right?"

"yes,that's white."

"i also want to see the orange color."

i walk over to another display where we have them in two shades of orange. as i pick them up she asks,

"are those the orange ones?"

"yes,this is the deep coral and the pale coral."

"oh, i want hermes orange."

i"m sorry,i don't carry that color."

"i'll take the white.

i have a coupon."

she pulls out a coupon for $20 off that looks as if it was in the bottom of her pocket when she was 

homeless during the rainy season.

it is for our other brand,a different store. it clearly states on the coupon that is it only good for that brand,not our brand or the website or the catalog. it was a one day promotion that they ran.

i explain this to her and her $500 barbour coat. i'm pretty sure her $1200 prada bag is listening too.

she says" well i don't understand,i mean they gave it to me" why can't i use it? they gave it to me." 

"it's very easy to understand,i just explained it to you.( i am not supposed to talk to customers like that but it feels really, really good) it is only good for the other brand. it isn't good in this store. it clearly states it right here in print."

"well,ill take the bath mat."

"ok."

she tosses her credit card at me across the marble cash wrap desk.

(today,i just can't do it. i can't be moved today. i dig my heels in)

i don't pick it up for her which is what she wants.

"you can swipe it through the credit card reader please."

she does.

her receipt prints. i wrap her $48 dollar bath mat in tissue paper, and affix the fancy little sticker to it to close it up,place it in a bag and thank her very much. very much.

"is it traditional or contemporary?" she asks me.

(what? you want to know the historical provenance of a bath mat? seriously? lady, you are 60. if you could stop acting like a spoiled brat who is being victimized into paying full retail for a bathmat that she doesn't really want then maybe the rage that is knotting up the fist i wanna throw in your direction would ease up a bit.)

"it isn't really either. it is white on white knotted textile with a framed border.it will work just as well in a contemporary or a traditional space."

"uhhh,well,i have contemporary."

"it'll be fine". it's a white. bath. mat and by my estimation we should have stopped discussing it about 7 minutes ago.

she leaves the store.

i try to breathe my rage back down to a 2 or 3.

in 5 minutes she returns.

"i just saw my son outside. he saw the pattern on the edge of the bath mat and he doesn't like it so i have to return it. how can we make that happen?" (your son? the edge? a pattern? your son? what? jesus h. christ.)

"um,i'll get a manager"- because if i have to talk to you again i'm gonna punch you in the kidneys and tell you to get out of my store.

have a nice day and don't slip when you get out of your contemporary bathtub in your contemporary bathroom and break your contemporary neck. see you next week when you return and we go through this all over again.

Jack McJerkoff is sorry and he would like to file a complaint. With himself.

Marianne and Jennifer,

 

Please excuse and forgive me for my previous rant in the e-mail I sent you last night shortly after 8 PM my time.  This process has been extremely frustrating for me and I am sure for you also.  I just have had a very difficult time with the constantly changing numbers and the long waiting periods to receive the ordered items.  As a result, I got up early this morning and ran the numbers again.  It would appear that we were both wrong on the amount of overcharge.  The quote given me by Marianne on April 5, being 8 days prior to the order was precisely correct, but did not include sales tax.  I believe the following calculations are correct:

 

Westport Bed                $4,037.50        ($310.00 Shipping)

Flat Sheet (Sand)               130.60

2 Fitted Sheets                  296.00

Duvet Cover (Sand)             271.60

Pillowcases (Sand)               81.60

2 Shams (Sand)                 177.20

Cashmere Throw                198.00        ($15.00 Shipping)

Flat Sheet (Choc)               130.60

Duvet Cover (Choc)             271.60

Pillowcases (Choc)               81.60

2 Shams (Choc)                 177.20

                                    $5,853.50

Less 10% Discount            585.35

                                    $5,268.15

Shipping                            325.00

Subtotal                        $5,593.15

7% Sales Tax                    391.52

                                    $5,984.67

 

The charges to my credit card are as follows:

04/16                $   709.53

05/20                  4,397.70

06/04                     316.72

06/26                     355.37

07/01                     227.15

07/01                     104.42

Total Charges    $6,110.89

Actual Cost         5,984.67

OVERCHARGE $   126.22

 

I am guessing that I was undercharged on some items and overcharged for the fitted sheets and for the Westport Bed, with the net result being a total overcharge of $126.22.  This would make the credit that Jennifer issued to my VISA for $378.12 too much by $251.90.  After you have reviewed all this information and find that it is correct, please charge the $251.90 to my VISA in order for things to be made right.  I have no interest in being refunded money that does not belong to me.  Should you find that my calculations are not correct, please let me know where I went wrong.

 

As for the duvet inserts, please give me the 10% discount, which would make the total for the inserts be $396.00 ($440.00 less $44.00).  I still have a difficult time believing that it costs $53.00 to ship 5 pounds by UPS Ground, but if so the total for the duvet inserts would be $480.43 ($396.00 + $53.00 shipping + $31.43 sales tax).  I would certainly hope that you could find these somewhere in your system and ship them to me far in advance of the projected August 2 shipping date.

 

Again, please forgive me for the previous e-mail from last night.  In addition to my frustration with this process, I have been dealing with serious health problems with my Mom and Dad, which as you can imagine is quite stressful.  That however does not excuse me for my comments.  The only complaint I need to file is with myself for not reviewing all the numbers first.

 

Thank you,

 

Jack Mc

Jack McJerkoff is on line one.

Hi Blog Reader! Happy New Year! Or,as I have also heard, Happy new Years! This is a classic email from a customer who is so happy to have latched on to me as his personal shopper. He is a lawyer. Neat!

Marianne--

Other than a brief conversation with Jennifer, I do not know anything about her, therefore I am addressing this to you.  The credit for $378.12 is total BS.  What happened to the $440.00 you actually owe me (as quoted me by Elizabeth)?  Not only did I have to wait an inordinate amount of time for something as simple as sheets, but you still are trying to steal from me.  I am almost 59 years old and have never done business with people as incompetent as your group.  Also, I have already looked at the order for the duvet inserts and I have been overcharged for those.  The 10% discount is nowhere in sight and you are charging me $53.00 to ship 5 pounds of fluff, not to mention the fact that it won't even ship until August 2.

If you insist on trying to cheat me, I will deny all charges on my current credit card bill and will also file a complaint with the Federal Trade Commission.  In addition, the U.S. Attorney in Oxford for the Northern District of Mississippi is a personal friend of mine.  If necessary, I will also file mail fraud charges against your company.

I have been extremely patient, but this is the final straw.  You need to give me the proper credit and get the duvet inserts to me before the end of the week or I will be forced to resort to extreme measures.  I am tired of the BS excuses.  Your company needs to learn how to do business in the appropriate manner or suffer the consequences.  Also, Elizabeth never called me back, in spite of the fact you told me earlier this afternoon that she would.  I guess that real customer service is no longer important to your company.  If I told one of my clients I would call them back and did not, I would no longer have that client.  It would behoove you to call me as soon as you get in tomorrow to resolve this problem.

Sincerely yours,

Jack Mc