this coupon entitles bearer to torture one shopgirl.

"hi i need help."

"sure"

"are those for sale?"

"no."

"so i can't buy them?"

"no,they're not for sale,they're just display."

"oh,so you don't sell them?"

"no,we don't sell them."

"where did you get them?"

"i have no idea,i'm sorry."

"you might try pearl river mart." i suggest.

"hmmm,i don't know about the quality there."

"hmmm,i mimic."

"i want this bath mat. (she is holding a bathmat in  a bright white color.)

this is white,right?"

"yes,that's white."

"i also want to see the orange color."

i walk over to another display where we have them in two shades of orange. as i pick them up she asks,

"are those the orange ones?"

"yes,this is the deep coral and the pale coral."

"oh, i want hermes orange."

i"m sorry,i don't carry that color."

"i'll take the white.

i have a coupon."

she pulls out a coupon for $20 off that looks as if it was in the bottom of her pocket when she was 

homeless during the rainy season.

it is for our other brand,a different store. it clearly states on the coupon that is it only good for that brand,not our brand or the website or the catalog. it was a one day promotion that they ran.

i explain this to her and her $500 barbour coat. i'm pretty sure her $1200 prada bag is listening too.

she says" well i don't understand,i mean they gave it to me" why can't i use it? they gave it to me." 

"it's very easy to understand,i just explained it to you.( i am not supposed to talk to customers like that but it feels really, really good) it is only good for the other brand. it isn't good in this store. it clearly states it right here in print."

"well,ill take the bath mat."

"ok."

she tosses her credit card at me across the marble cash wrap desk.

(today,i just can't do it. i can't be moved today. i dig my heels in)

i don't pick it up for her which is what she wants.

"you can swipe it through the credit card reader please."

she does.

her receipt prints. i wrap her $48 dollar bath mat in tissue paper, and affix the fancy little sticker to it to close it up,place it in a bag and thank her very much. very much.

"is it traditional or contemporary?" she asks me.

(what? you want to know the historical provenance of a bath mat? seriously? lady, you are 60. if you could stop acting like a spoiled brat who is being victimized into paying full retail for a bathmat that she doesn't really want then maybe the rage that is knotting up the fist i wanna throw in your direction would ease up a bit.)

"it isn't really either. it is white on white knotted textile with a framed border.it will work just as well in a contemporary or a traditional space."

"uhhh,well,i have contemporary."

"it'll be fine". it's a white. bath. mat and by my estimation we should have stopped discussing it about 7 minutes ago.

she leaves the store.

i try to breathe my rage back down to a 2 or 3.

in 5 minutes she returns.

"i just saw my son outside. he saw the pattern on the edge of the bath mat and he doesn't like it so i have to return it. how can we make that happen?" (your son? the edge? a pattern? your son? what? jesus h. christ.)

"um,i'll get a manager"- because if i have to talk to you again i'm gonna punch you in the kidneys and tell you to get out of my store.

have a nice day and don't slip when you get out of your contemporary bathtub in your contemporary bathroom and break your contemporary neck. see you next week when you return and we go through this all over again.